You’ve read my last posts in Social media about my pregnancy and some of the ups and downs I’ve been going through.
Well, today I finally got in to see the doc, and get that first ultrasound! Usually I’ve gone in around 8-9 weeks, but due to travel on the doc’s end, and travel on my end, we couldn’t meet up until today. Baby is measuring 11 weeks, 2 days and we are looking at a Valentine’s (or so) delivery date. I plan to have a c-section (my fifth).
Before I go into what we found in the ultrasound—– let me give you some background info….
I mentioned this on Facebook several times, but for those that may not follow me there, I’ll give you a quick recap- we struggle to get pregnant. Always have. After baby #4, it was HARD. My recovery wasn’t the best, and our mindsets were pretty gooey about how excited we were to possibly add another after that. So we prayed, and felt that God was ok with us waiting for awhile. Which we did. However, when baby #4 was about 10 mos old, my husband and I BOTH had a dream involving a baby #5. It was a sacred experience, and we both, I’ll admit- as shameful as it sounds- reacted a little reluctantly. In fact, we didn’t even tell each other the next day about the dream, until we were in a shoe store looking for a birthday gift a couple days later, and I said something like, “Dreams are funny things huh….”
And my dear spouse, jerked up his head and looked me straight in the eye, and replied, “Ya. Sometimes I am worried they actually show the future…” And then we knew.
And later that night, I asked him about that moment, and we both shared a moment we will never forget. Same dream. Same feelings. So we prayed again, and yet again, felt that it was ok to wait longer. looking at our future when baby #4 was about 2, we saw some things coming that would be harder with a pregnancy or newborn in the mix and decided that with our track record, we might as well start trying for that “dream” baby.
We find ourselves “trying” for over a year with 4/5 pregnancies and have lost 1 pregnancy early, so it really isn’t some emotional drawn out process of ups and downs. We both have kind of learned to detach ourselves emotionally… although its always in the back of our mind that its a possibility.
We stopped “trying” AKA, started using some protection when we, again, saw some travels and bigger life things happening that I REALLY didn’t want to be pregnant for- and figured we would just go a few months with protection, and then go back to “trying.” We felt that if we didn’t get pregnant by Christmas, we would seriously consider just calling it quits.
About 4 months ago, while struggling with some personal matters and family matters, my hubby and I were doing some studying and praying and one night as we were talking through some things, my husband mentioned that he felt super strongly that we needed to be “trying” again.
And me….. well…. I was in denial. I was tired of wondering if I’d ever be pregnant again, and was tired of the storage space of all the pregnancy and baby clothes and items I’d been saving. But I could NOT deny it any more. There HAD been something nagging at me those past months. Almost a PLEADING that I cannot describe.
So we began “trying” again. And 6 weeks later, we were pregnant. You can read about how I found out HERE.
And so began the journey of growing baby #5.
This first trimester is almost over- just 1.5 weeks left. And my friends——-> I have been SICK.
It has been HARD.
I have lost a lot of toned muscle in my abs, arms, legs,= lets face it——-> everywhere. I KNOW. I know. Its expected, but not fun.
I have puked more than I’ve puked in 5 years. I’ve had to ask for help more than I’ve asked for in 5 years. I have had to let go of things, and let my grip loosen on many other things….
I felt that this baby is our last, so I have tried my hardest to be grateful…. but illness is just hard. Your mind plays tricks on you. “You are lazy. You can’t do that. Are my kids going to resent this time I am laying around so much and demanding more help from them? Oh Lord, why must it be this way?” and so on.
But today——-as I went into that Ultrasound, something special happened.
The nurse told me that there was 2 women to have early OB ultrasounds before me, so it would be a little wait. My room door was a little cracked, and I overheard a few of the nurses chatting at the nurses station.
One of the early OB ultrasounds did not result in a heartbeat being seen.
I heard the phrases, “heart breaking,” “so sad,” “oh no,” and “its so hard.”
I teared up realizing what had happened. SO MANY of my friends and even family members have had this experience, and it has been close to my heart this past year, and especially since I have become pregnant.
As I went into the ultrasound room, I was feeling aprehensive, as I think we all do.
But within minutes, there was MY baby up on the screen. There was #5 bouncing, twirling, kicking, and swimming all around deep inside me.
I was amazed! As I always am. At the miracle of life!!! That a perfect little human being was being created inside my stomach (ok… uterus)!! Arms, legs, fingers, toes, eyes, heart beating 174 beats per minute—- mind blowing. This picture is what EVERY pregnant woman longs to see at this appointment.
And she kept saying, “Hm…. weird. Hm. Let’s see if I can move this over here….. Hm. Well, interesting.”
She said, “Well, You have some cysts on your left ovary, which isn’t all that uncommon, but you’ve never had them before… and your right ovary… well…. I can’t even see it…. its like its gone…. or something… the placenta is really thick… I think its implanted on the front, might be on your scar…..”
She said that the state of my ovaries wasn’t awesome, and that this baby, could be considered a bit of a miracle. That my ability to even have babies was VERY slim. The doctor later confirmed that we’ll have a ultrasound specialist here for my 20 week ultrasound to do a more in depth look at how the placenta imbedded in the scar to make sure it hasn’t actually grown into my body, and to find out what happened to my right ovary, and see whats happening to my left by that time, and make some decisions then.
But was basically told that this pregnancy was now or never.
The tears came again.
Why me? When SO many other women would LOVE to have a pregnancy miracle—- why us?
I do not know the answer.
But I felt God confirm to me through His Holy Spirit in that room that the promptings we felt just 4 months earlier were indeed His will. This particular soul was meant to be here at this time. And we are meant to be its parents. It needs us, and we need it.
All the struggle…. all the wondering and the waiting and the ups and downs…. are for our good.
When I left the office building, I sat in my car looking at the ultrasound pictures of our little baby.
And mourned for the friends and family of mine that deeply want this to be them, and yet for whatever reason God has in store for them, it is not. For the gal that just a few hours earlier found out that she was not to hold her precious baby in her arms this year.
But I also felt a deep sense of gratitude that I get to experience pregnancy this last time. With a different perspective.
I get to be WITNESS—– in the most REAL way—– of a literal MIRACLE.
I KNOW that God is REAL. I know He knows me. I KNOW He knows this baby. I KNOW that He knows my family and our needs and our struggles. And through Him whatever happens, will be for our good.